I’ve been having this dream lately:
I’m walking along a street. Not our street, just some random street. I’m pushing the pram and JJ is running ahead, when all of a sudden she squeezes through a hole in the fence of someone’s house. It’s a hole that’s too small for me to follow.
Then JJ gets attacked by a dog or something. I leave the pram, and manage to climb onto a ledge and jump over the fence, and get the dog away. Then I sit down and cradle my girl and tell her everything will be OK, Mummy’s here.
I realise that there are no ledges on this side of the fence to help me climb back over, and the fence is impossibly high. Bee is in her pram on the other side of the fence and I can’t get to her. She starts to cry.
I usually dream this after I’ve been up feeding Bee and am trying to get back to sleep. In that limbo period of not quite awake but not quite asleep yet either. That period when you can semi-control your dreams.
I go through different scenarios. What about if I’d broken my foot when I jumped over the first time. What if I’d forgotten to put the brake on Bee’s pram and she started rolling down the hill. What if the dog had mauled JJ’s face off. (Which, since I’m totally a dog loving person, is quite unusual for me to think.)
All scenarios end in me feeling entirely helpless.
It’s obvious where this is coming from. I’m feeling overstretched trying to be the perfect mother to two babies when I’m hard put being a good mother to just one.
Josefa from Always Josefa posted a wonderful message yesterday called “Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?” where she talks about her battle with post-natal depression and the difficulties of being a new mother of two
“My heart was completely torn in two. Being mum to two, when I could barely be a mother to one. Hug one, read a book to another, feed the baby, change the toddler, burp the baby, find the toddler, finger painting, bath time, walks, naps; I never seemed to get the balance right.”
This is exactly how I feel. Torn.
But I would say torn into four pieces. The biggest chunks are torn between JJ and Bee. But there are also chunks torn off for trying to be a good wife, and trying to me good to myself.
When Mr Banya and I argue because the other isn’t doing enough (when we are both doing our very best, it’s just that there isn’t enough time in the day.) When the dishes pile high, and we’ve run out of milk again, and there are too many fucking toys all over the floor that you can’t walk to the kitchen without treading on something.
Or when I try to find a spare second to do something for myself – to moisturise my cracking eyelids, or to buy some pants that actually fit my fat temporarily larger post pregnancy body, or to go to the doctor to have my post pregnancy check up. Struggling to find the time for bare necessities, let alone find the time to do something I actually enjoy.
Let alone find some time for Mr Banya and I to do something together.
It’s hard this motherhood / fatherhood gig. It’s wonderful, but it’s also damn hard.
Just sayin’.
xx Danya
#
It is very hard. I have a 14.5 month gap between my two. I was only just used to being a mum to Z when I fell pregnant again. I still beat myself up now about not being good enough and not giving enough attention to each. M is a lot more hard work than Z ever was as he still doesn’t sleep through the night at 13 months. I think the sleep deprivation doesn’t help the situation either.We are the best mums we can be and we have to keep telling ourselves that! If your children are happy and healthy then you are doing an awesome job! 🙂
#
Someone once told me that if they are still alive at the end of their first year then that’s a job well done! But seriously, I keep telling myself that I am enough. I am more than enough. I am their mother. 🙂
#
It is very hard. I have a 14.5 month gap between my two. I was only just used to being a mum to Z when I fell pregnant again. I still beat myself up now about not being good enough and not giving enough attention to each. M is a lot more hard work than Z ever was as he still doesn’t sleep through the night at 13 months. I think the sleep deprivation doesn’t help the situation either.We are the best mums we can be and we have to keep telling ourselves that! If your children are happy and healthy then you are doing an awesome job! 🙂
#
My sis has three under age three at the moment and I speak to her feeling pretty helpless as I’m a full time working mum. I tell her each day that it will get easier. Can u ask one of your family to come and mind the bubs so you and hubbie can have a night together, it’s so important and everyone benefits in the long run.
#
We had BOTH kids asleep by 7.30 last night. A major big first. JJ’s the challenge, and unfortunately she doesn’t sleep well without ME putting her down. But if I can get 7.30pm sleep time down pat, then I’m totally hitting the town! I really really really need it. 🙂
#
It IS hard. Sometimes I consider it a successful day if both my son and I are dressed before 11am. This too shall pass(probably to be replaced by some equally challenging phase, but still…)
#
Yes, we’ve had those days too, 11am and still in PJs. When JJ simply doesn’t want to get ready, I try to just take a deep breath and put plans aside for the day. If tantrums are threatening, it helps for me to sit down on the floor, at her level, and totally change the mood. Perhaps start doing a magic trick. Or singing a new song. She responds really well to that, and eventually we’ll get back to getting ready. I’m lucky I can do this, that I don’t have to be at work at a particular time. But it is still frustrating as hell sometimes.
#
I just found your blog through the Sunday Parenting Party…I love you already! Anybody who drops the F-bomb in a “mom blog” is okay in my book! I’ve been having what I think is a “terrible thought” lately: that I probably shouldn’t have had more than one kid. I guess it’s probably true, but when I think of what a joy son #2 is in my life, I start scolding myself for having such a thought. So, long story short, I know what you’re saying about being stretched too thin.I’m going over to “like” you on FB now. 🙂
#
Ahh yes, thoughts are so hard to rein in aren’t they. And then you’re stuck with the guilt that goes along with them. What is it with this stupid guilt??Thanks for liking, have liked you back 🙂
#
It is hard WORK!! And it gives me such a great respect for what my mum went through. She had nowhere to express/vent/talk about the hardships, where as these days we all have each other the “online community” which makes it alot easier to bare, knowing we are not alone. It is tough and we all do our best. That’s the main thing, along with our children knowing we love them. And nothing wrong with letting them know we are not perfect xx